I think I may be wavering. I feel like.. like I'm not sure anymore. But it helps to write things out, and at these times, I'm thankful that I have never shared this little journal with anyone but myself. You see...

I have always been a little concerned. Even from the beginning; even the way it started, had been one big debate. It felt wrong, like a punch to the gut. But I was hopeful. I was prideful. I was determined to show that I could be different. But now I'm not so sure.

Before You Get Engaged is what I've been reading recently, and it has brought to light some things that..well, I can't say I was completely unaware of. But it voiced them for me, and brought me around to confront them. Marriage is a big thing. Engagement is a big thing. And if it doesn't feel right... Maybe it isn't right.

That is what my heart is saying now. Maybe it isn't right, and I am fooling myself by hoping for some miracle that may never occur. Not to say that it is impossible for miracles to occur, but some things must be looked at pragmatically, in the now. The book lists some things to be aware of:

- Emotional connection
- Relational connection
- Communicational connection
- Spiritual connection

I put spiritual last for a reason. Mostly because it is the biggest issue here. Everywhere else feels just fine! We are best friends, we get along well, we share common interests and etc. But the spiritual connection..

It says to not be yoked with an unbeliever. I always hoped that I could overcome that, and who knows! Maybe save him in the process! That would be the ideal, of course. And hey, I reasoned, he was at least open to going to church with me, and with our children going to church, and my serving in the church, and so on. But.. according to him, he doesn't need God. And when he said that..

It's not the way it should be, between a husband and a wife. I've never had the pleasure of experiencing first-hand a loving couple joined together as a team in God. But how awesome would that be, to have the most intimate person in your life be there to support you.. in everything? Right now, it could never be that way. Even if he claims that he will listen to and support me as well as he can, there are some things that a nonbeliever could never understand. I want him to have that joy. And I want my future husband and me to share that joy together, as a team, with God's blessing.

So, I don't know if he's the right one. I have always been uncertain, even from the start, and now I have learned that this uncertainty definitely means that I need to slow down, if not stop altogether. Wait, pray, reevaluate. And despite my calling myself a rational being.. I certainly haven't been doing much of any of that.

I'm almost...certain that it would be better if I broke up with him. So why haven't I? Here are my reasons why I should, and why I haven't:

Why I should:
- He depends on me to complete him. I can't do that.
- I don't know if I can ever be 100% open with him, because he is so easily depressed
- He's a nonbeliever
- He pressures me, sexually, further than I am really comfortable going
- What are his prospects, again?

Why I haven't:
- It would destroy him. Everything else in his life is going so horribly for him, even if I can't help him, at least I don't want to add to it
- What if I never find anyone else like him?
- We do get along really well in all other aspects.
- I do love him, dearly.
- Maybe God will change him. Maybe even using me.
- Maybe things will turn out okay regardless of all those warnings from the Bible, the reservation of friends, the opposition of parents...

That first one's the biggest, really. I couldn't stand to hurt him, and I know that a breakup would send him spiraling straight into depression, and I wouldn't be there to help him. Ever again. I couldn't do that to him...

In short.. I don't know what will happen. Maybe things will change. But for now, all I can do is pray and take things slowly. It is at least a good thing we have this separation between us to buy me some time. I just wish I had someone with whom I could talk about this.. But I don't know if there is anyone I would trust who wouldn't judge me straight away. Nobody I can think of, alas..

At least I have voiced my woes. That is a start. Thank goodness for journals. I will keep you updated.